My Soul Healing Journey…

How Infinite Soul was born!

I was the youngest of two and come from a divorced family.  I grew up with one brother, who was developmentally delayed, overweight and suffered a lifetime of being picked on.  Growing up, even though I was the younger sibling, I always felt like I needed to protect my brother.  I didn’t really, he had the best attitude, he never let that shit bother him. Sadly, I never recognized his resilient golden heart growing up.  Him getting picked on hurt my heart more than it bothered him, he was always lovingly defending those who wronged him-everyone got a second (and a third, fourth, fifth) chance with Chris-he loved everyone.  As a child, I never felt like I fit in anywhere (my human design actually calls this out so this is how I was made). I used to think this was because I didn’t have a “normal” family but really, who does?  We all have our own family and individual dynamics and regardless of what these are, we are all human beings, souls who are here to learn life lessons and grow through them.  This is part of who we are. Every one of us is on a journey. We will all have good and bad experiences, but how we grow through them is a direct reflection of who we become and the pathway that our lives take. This concept had never been anything that crossed my mind before, until 2020-the year my world turned upside down and spun me around like a tornado. When I look back on it, I realize that my world really started to spiral out of control, the day we lost my brother, May 26, 2010-5 days after his 40th birthday. Chris, was in the hospital for a skin infection. The phone rang at 7:00am.  Chris called every morning to check on the kids-he loved them like they were his own, so I knew it was him. Only this time it wasn’t! It was the Dr. informing me that Chris had passed away that morning!  WHAT??? How could that be, he had a skin infection? They couldn’t explain it, but it happened.  It was now up to me to break this heartbreaking, world crushing news to my parents.  I knew I had to be strong, I had to support my parents through this, I had to push my own feelings aside and put my family first. I had never done that before. I was the sensitive one who cried over everything.  I didn’t know how, but somehow, I grew strength. I know now that gaining this strength was a necessary part of my growth. I was now an only child and that strength was tested over and over again throughout the next decade. This was the start of the changes in me and my journey.  Through the next 10 years, both of my parents had some pretty big health issues.  My Dad had multiple issues with his heart and his back and my Mom had a few bouts with cancer, a very large brain aneurysm that needed ongoing treatment, and she had a few strokes. With my brother gone, it was all on me and I had to show them how strong I could be!  Don’t get me wrong, my husband was extremely supportive and I would not have gotten through this without him but in all honesty, I was secretly jealous. He had 10 siblings and I had just lost the only one that I had, the only one who grew up with me and experienced all the same family dynamics that I had. It wasn’t fair and how could he really understand what I felt or what I was going through, all of his siblings were all still just a phone call away!  My thought process wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair to him. He couldn’t help or prevent what had happened in my life and it wasn’t his fault, these were my lessons to learn (although I didn’t realize it at the time). I couldn’t help myself, I was jealous and I felt like he could never understand how I felt inside so I kept it to myself and continued to isolate myself and my feelings.

My Dad was not in the best of health and he progressively got worse over time. He was in pain all the time and he had a bad heart with multiple issues. Dad didn’t do anything that the Dr’s told him to. Dad did what he wanted, when he wanted. As he felt worse, he became extremely negative and bitter.  He moved in with us so that we could help him but he progressively got more and more angry and bitter at life.  He and I no longer had the close relationship we once did.  I always tried to be positive and look at the glass as half full but Dad always saw the glass as half empty and I couldn’t convince him otherwise. I tried to stay away from negativity because I knew that I had too much going on to be around that and I couldn’t let it get to me.  My Dad started to spiral out of control with his negativity, believing that everyone (including me) was out to get him.  It hurt my heart to know that my dad would even think that I would do anything to hurt him so I did what I always do and I distanced myself further. Yes, he lived with us but I didn’t spend as much time visiting with him as I should have. In May of 2019, my mom started showing signs of dementia. This started a very long, hard road of Dr appointments and treatments.  This further drove a wedge between my dad and I because he believed that I loved my mom more than I loved him because I was spending so much time taking her to her appointments. He was very vocal to anyone who would listen. Most of the time it got back to me which further hurt my heart so I continued to pull back instead of facing it and talking to Dad as I should have!

By November Mom started to show significant changes with her memory and her balance was off so she kept falling. She was diagnosed with hydrocephalus which is what they thought was causing her dementia and balance symptoms. This was good news; they could fix it!  They implanted a drain in her brain to help. After surgery she had to go to rehab for a little bit to get her balance, strength and memory back. “Give it a few weeks and you will notice the dementia signs getting better” they said. Only that didn’t happen.  She knew who we were but she didn’t know or remember anything else.  She would ask me every day, where am I? Why am I here? Why do you keep leaving me here? Or she would say things like, “I’m scared”, “you need to help me get out of here Jo”, “the people in this place are crazy” etc.!  It was heartbreaking!  One day, Mom had an extra hard day. She was scared and didn’t want to be alone.  I stayed later than normal, and when I finally left, I went to check on things at her house.  When I got there, I found that her furnace had died.  I couldn’t leave it like that, she lived in a mobile home in New England and it was the dead of winter, January 28th to be exact.  By the time I got home that night it was late and it was dark. I went down to check on Dad.  I found him on the floor. My dad was gone and I was crushed.  All of those feelings of regret for not being stronger, for allowing our relationship to fall apart and not spending more time with him came crashing down on me.  I had extreme feelings of guilt for not being there for him when he died. What if I had come home to check on him before going to the nursing home? What if I had called during that day to check on him? What if I was home? Maybe I could have saved his life etc.  I then had to break the news to my mom. I knew it would be hard, I knew that deep down, my mom always cared for my dad and they still sometimes bickered like they were still married.  I knew that I somehow had to tell her without crying because I didn’t want to scare her and I wasn’t sure she would understand what I was telling her.  It was almost as if she didn’t hear me when I told her and maybe she didn’t because she would still ask me and/or the kids every day, ‘How is Papa today?”. Maybe it was her dementia or maybe it was how she dealt with it.  Mom was able to go home in February. She seemed to be doing better, her memory was better and she was moving around on her own better than she had been.  All was good for a short time.  Not long after, she had trouble getting out of bed, she was complaining of back pain.  She out had pulled her back in the past so I assumed it was that.  It wasn’t.  They found a mass on her spine. It was cancer.  Her lung cancer from years earlier was back and it had spread to her spine.  On my birthday that year, we found out that this tumor had been there for a year and no one had told us and now it was too late to surgically treat it. My mom had 4-6 months to live.  With treatment, she might make it 6-12 months.  Mom started again with memory loss.  It was almost like this was her defense mechanism-if she didn’t know, she wouldn’t have to deal with any of it.  She didn’t remember her diagnosis; she was forgetting to eat and take her meds.  She moved in with my family and I and we opted not to do treatments.  There were no guarantees treatment wouldn’t make her sick and she was already so weak. She couldn’t remember anything and could no longer take care of herself-did I really want to prolong her suffering? She had always told me she didn’t want to live the way she was now living. On the other hand, as a daughter, how was I supposed to make the decision to let my mom die? How was I going to live the rest of my life without my mom who was also my best friend?  I had already lost my brother and my dad; Mom was all I had left! I was heartbroken, my heart was shattered in a million tiny pieces but I had to figure out how to best care for my mom in her last days while keeping myself together so that she didn’t know I was dying inside!  In the midst of all of this, my outside world was falling apart too.  My marriage was falling apart (through no fault but my own), work was super stressful, I had to put my dog down, my son was leaving the nest for his first year at college, and I felt all alone!  My Mom passed away on August 22 and my world exploded.  This is when I realized that I needed to do something!  I had tried counseling both individual and couples counseling but it wasn’t working for me. I didn’t understand myself, how could someone who didn’t know me at all understand what I was feeling?  A friend introduced me to the concept of manifestation. I started listening to positive podcasts and came across Kathrin Zenkina’s podcast, Manifestation Babe!  I fell in love and this started me on my healing journey! I signed up for a mindset class and this completely changed my life.   This class not only reeled me back in but put my life on a completely different path with a new extreme passion for positive mindset and self-growth and development, it caused me to go on a deep dive into my soul!   I started to feel so good about myself and proud of myself in ways that I never thought possible and the more positively I thought, the more positive things that came to me.  Through my explorative journey, I came across Human Design.  I was intrigued!  The deeper I got into learning, the more excited I was. Human Design is the blueprint of your soul and contains the key to your soul purpose.  This is exactly what I had been looking for.  Why am I here and what is my purpose on earth?  This is when I dove hard and I dove deep.  After having spent a ton of time on self-development and digging myself out of this deep dark hole, I realized that this is what I am here to do. I am here to help others dig into their lives, their stories and reconnect with their souls. Literally, this is what my human design life purpose says!   Reconnecting with my soul has been an amazing journey. Definitely not an easy one. It has taken (and still takes) daily dedication, hard work and honesty with myself, which is the hardest kind. Through this journey, there have been more heartbreaks and more challenges, and it has changed many of my relationships/friendships (some for the better and others not) but it was something that I needed to do for myself.  I made the conscious decision to do this on my own. I needed to be responsible for myself and I didn’t want any outside beliefs or feelings to interfere with my healing.  I definitely had support through this journey but the healing was all on me. I won’t lie, it was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.   I have spent a lot of time and energy developing myself spiritually, learning Human Design, Gene Keys, Manifestation, Coaching, Astrology, Soul Contracts, Numerology and several other spiritual areas to focus on my healing as well as learning as much as I can to help others. I am now a completely different person than I was a little more than a year ago.  I am happier on a soul level, I have reconnected with old and made new friends that are on this same journey with me and I am continuing to learn and evolve every day.   I want to share this with others to help them to reconnect with themselves and their true super powers. Human Design is a unique healing strategy, one that helped me immensely on so many levels and I would love to share it with others to help others on their soul healing journey!!

My Dad and I (circa 2010)

My Mom and I on our last vacation together-July 2019

My brother Chris and I (circa 2000/2001)